Arty Saatchi egomaniacs and some good stuff too

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I love to spend a lazy hour or two mooching around a good (or bad) art gallery. However, I’m equally likely to be angered as inspired…..

Here’s why; the sheer arrogance and self-absorbtion, seeping through the descriptions. Yes I’m on that trip again……

Here we present the ‘Emperor’s New Clothes’, it might appear, to the uneducated viewer (that’s you, what do YOU know about the art?)…..that the ‘artist’, his family and all his many pets, have crawled around in thick pools of murky coloured oils slapped onto a canvas. But no, you would be incorrect to assume that you crazy heathen. He has spent months at work in his studio, dousing himself in his own importance, eventually giving birth (with no pain relief) to his creation.

Then, when it’s dry,  he will pick words at random beginning with letters chosen from alphabettispaghetti soup, to create our deeply insightful gallery description. If you don’t get it, then  you are too stupid to be in this Gallery, admiring the art. Please leave quietly.

“She creates new worlds using a variety of collected media, found images and associations, by placing them into a glittery collage; a process she calls ‘appropriarranging“: appropriating and rearranging reality. Oh get the fuck over yourself love, it’s the bastard son of HobbyCraft and Blue Peter with a bit more glitter.

Yeah yeah, I have a degree in art too, it doesn’t mean I’m going to swallow this bullshit just because you’ve wrapped it up in pretentious linguistic codswallop.

Oh some of it was pretty good too. Some.

Canaries in Colorado

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After going to extraordinary lengths to smuggle wooden knitting needles onto the 10hr flight – one of the wretched things broke. cubics knit pros…. shit pros more like.

Anyway, Colorado is stunning. Flying in to Denver over endless patchwork farmland is breathtaking, miles of agricultural symmetry. Then arriving at the giant cowshed, plonked on the edge of the city.

Collect the bags, turn left, the highway heads towards the wall of mountain. Winding for a couple of hours until Breckenridge at 2900m. Through the town to our stunning chalet at peak 9.

Breckenridge is an ordinary town with tourist stores, more importantly it hosts a fantastic ski area…… the chalet was amazing. Hey, if it’s good enough for Theo Paphitis, then it’s good enough for us.

After a hard day on the slopes what better than finding a treasure trove. We loved Canary In A Clothesmine and their cute little shop dog. Visit them their Facebook page here:

Yep, we’ll be back.

British Disabled Water Ski

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The BDWSA are a small non-profit organisation in the UK. They work to promote the sport of disabled water ski, giving people an opportunity to try something they might think impossible. The archives have recently turned up a lovely picture of my late brother Tony, who, after breaking his back in a water ski accident, became involved as the club Secretary for many years.
Tony Richardson (middle) using a triple bar at Heron lake, Chertsey.

Groundworks

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Digging commenced in September. It was rather slow progress due to the steep landscape, the sheer volume of clay earth and the hidden concrete surprises…. but  it’s starting to take shape….. the original central steps were moved to create more space for the deck.

Now it’s October and it’s almost finished….. retaining walls built, earth moved, plants re-planted, steps built, gate on and deck almost complete…. can’t wait to get my hands on it with the finishing touches…

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ 1st Anniversary ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

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It’s been 1 year since we were at The Little Chapel of the West in Las Vegas ~ I’m so lucky to have Dr G at home with me today so we can celebrate with a lovely day and dinner this evening…. :)

Desert Rocks

Honeymoon Road Trip

Honeymoon hideaway

I just can’t wait to go back to California with Dr G.

Espadrilles

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Hmmmnnnn…. what could one possibly buy that makes you look more of a cunt than Crocs?

Ah haaaa, let me present the espadrille; nature’s answer to the rubber club foot.

You utter twat.

On the other hand… I suppose going the whole hog and wearing these ridiculous emperor’s shoes with your emperor’s harem pants and smelly second hand clothes is quite co-ordinated in a rag and bone type way.

Crochet dog sweater

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I have just completed my first crochet dog sweater…. I adapted a Bernat small dog pattern to suit Inch High Private Eye (Wilhelm) as he has such short legs and a long  body…. it’s 70 degrees here in the UK today and he wasn’t too keen on modelling it, but I am sure he will love it when it gets chilly. The gorgeous little heart buttons on the sweater were a present from the lovely Dr G, I’ve been waiting for the perfect excuse to use them.

 

Inch High Private Eye.... Wilhelm models his new sweater

 

Knitted Dachshunds

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Really looking forward to knit night at the lovely knit club.

After visiting today (with the boys in tow) to stock up with some lovely yarns today, I wondered how many people knitted their own Dachshunds….. quite a few it seems…

 

Rants in my pants

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Just back from the Edinburgh Fringe, had a fabulous time. It’s a great city for a long weekend break and the Fringe is buzzing with stuff to do.

However.

One thing really got my goat. That was the miserable selfish fuckwits, who can’t sit their fat arses down and shut the fuckety fuck up, for one short hour.

1 hour is not long. We have paid to see this show. Paid because the artist something to say that is funny and entertaining. So why, for pity’s sake do these morons think they have the right to ruin it?

If you are guilty of this, then you’re a self-important twit and nobody likes you. 

 

Al Murray was great fun, thanks for the frozen chicken Al!
Paul Foot was surreal, as ever.
Rich Hall, surprisingly, could have done better.
Lloyd Langford was jolly good.
Russell Kane was neurotically outstanding.
Angelos Epithemiou was diabolical.
Wilfredo was not equal to his sum in hype.
Nicholas Parsons was tired.
The BBC 4 live show was abysmal.
Nina Conti was amusing

That’s all.

Childhood Home – Memories from a long forgotten photo box

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Newly discovered photographs of my childhood home, taken by my late Grandfather during the year I was born. 

Countdown to Edinburgh Fringe

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 <— click it!

Not long until we make our regular trip to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival – I’m really excited as we’ve booked 8 shows, then there are all the random shows, friends shows, a lovely city and a great atmosphere - woo!!  

Here’s a list of comedians we’ve seen at the Fringe or the Bearcat comedy club in Twickenham.

Teckel Dackel Dachshund Handbags

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I think my favourites are 1 and 2. But the jury is still out.

Garden light

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I really need to get some more of these wall lights for the garden, they are so perfect.

 

 

 

 

And I really need to find a large salvage theatrical light for the antique theodolite. It looks a bit daft sitting there in the corner without a purpose!

 

‘Entertainment’ for the hard of thinking.

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Today I have been extremely annoyed that the circus is coming to town. It is astounding that there is still an appetite for dancing elephants and horses! These poor animals forced to work daily, perform unnatural tricks and travel from place to place, purely for ‘entertainment’ of the terminally dumb.

 These intellectually challenged parents and their dimwit offspring  prised away from the XBOX) , sit stuffing their faces on sugary popcorn whilst some of the most beautiful creatures perform demeaning acts for them. They must have pretty pointless lives if they derive any sense of pleasure from this archaic practise.

Some idiot said that “people have the right to choose if they go or not”.  This demonstrates everything that is wrong with our society and how magnificently thick people are. It’s pitiful that people completely miss the point that, NOBODY has a right to see animals perform, poor beasts have no choice, forced into a degrading costume and robbed of their habitat and freedom. Incredulous! what a wanker!

Highway 1 and Clint

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Our first trip to San Francisco we took a short road trip along Pacific Highway 1, California… the setting for Clint’s chilling movie about a deranged stalker.

I bought a copy of the film to watch  before our trip.

About a year later we were clearing out our stuff and found a second copy of the film, all wrapped up in hideous manky wallpaper and string. Too creepy! that went straight into the bin…..

New gallery!

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Check out the new online gallery, featuring the insanely creative mind of Dr G.

Wilhelm the miniature Dachshund driving a JCB digger

Dreary O’Leary

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Clearly this has been created by a very junior marketeer……. but I utterly love it for all its wrongness.

Maybe he's spotted another deliberate mistake

The beach has long been a popular destination for many Irish tourists….. those happy in love people who wear the entire George at Asda collection and spend their days pointing out wonderful worlds to each other. Popular also for cycling barefoot. Irish sand is special, you can cycle on beaches without a care in the world, not sinking and, if you were trying to commit a crime it’s perfect because bicycles don’t leave tracks and don’t sink when resting on their side stands.
 
It’s so wrong it might possibly have been intentional….I wondered if this was a ‘spot the mistakes’ competition to win a brilliant free RyanAir prize…. so I circled all the errors and sent it in to Mr O’Leary himself.
 
I’ve just been awarded a great big sack of fuck off.
 
Thanks Michael!
 

Dachshunds on the kitchen deck

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The boys enjoy their favourite spot on the little kitchen deck.

London Calling

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16 Tons Tour

Is London calling me? It doesn’t really need to, considering I live here.
 
This was the first album I bought, one of my all-time favourite albums, you know the ones that really belong to you.
 
I still have the 16 tons flyer in my scrapbook, from Feb 10th 1980, at Poole Arts Centre.
 

The Clash 16 Tons Tour Flier - Poole Arts Centre

 
The only thing that calls me now, is the lovely Dr G, and that is just perfect.

Our little California wedding

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I wonder what we will do to celebrate our first wedding anniversary?

Back to our favourite place in California maybe…..

 
 
 

Art too bad to be ignored….

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The art world is full of bullshit, it’s just like the music world…. someone told me that I “had to like the Arctic Monkeys because their music was intellectual”. That person sounded like a complete cunt and it made me hate the Arctic Monkeys even though I had not heard them. When I did hear them I hated them because their music was actually shit.

But tiresome bullshit is there to be enjoyed too, in a watching someone trip up while walking down the street way. See the artist disappear up their own rear end. I’ve just sent a couple contributions that I found on the internet to The Museum of Bad Art – with my guest interpretation of ‘the work’.

Songs you don’t like, that pop into your head.

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Don’t you just hate it when songs you don’t like pop into your head and get stuck there.

Today I had ‘Stan’ by Eminen in my head.

Dear Slim, I wrote but you still ain’t callin
I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom
I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not-a got him
There probably was a problem at the post office or something…

The song ended with ’Stan’ having a psychotic breakdown after his stalking went ignored. His unrequited ’love’ soured and turned to hate.

Isn’t the whole Ryan Giggs thing hilarious? If you’re gonna behave like a cunt, people will find out.

Gardening

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I’ve been gardening today.

The garden looks great.

I was going to post 20 pictures to prove it, whilst wearing old rags from a charity shop. But I don’t buy my clothes from a charity shop because I am not a tramp. Posting pictures of me gardening would be as tedious as fuck.

Instead, here’s a picture of Zelda.

Hey Zelda, did a small child cut your hair? 

Fuck awful blogs.

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I like to read interesting things, I like to read about new, unusual and funny things. I don’t even mind if they are quite dull things that someone has tried hard to make interesting. I will gladly exchange my time for an item of interest.

I don’t like to read about peoples tedious lives and terminally dull blogs about their tedious lives. 

Here is a plant  I put it in a pot I put it in my garden (insert four pictures) I watered it (insert further photographic proof) . Here is some crusty bread (insert photographic proof). I had a snack (photographic proof includes of crumbs on a plate). “Mmmm lovely” (please tell us more about your bread experience, wise one).  Here is a window (two pictures) . It is raining (and a picture to prove it… I’m glad because I didn’t believe you).

Today Parakitamol is buying a gun. First she will shoot those who write in the third person. Later she will come back and shoot those who write in the teeny tiny voice of:
- Their pets
- Their children
- Other inanimate objects

Let’s make it worse…….

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The model is attractive. She looks kinda kooky. But stupid is, as stupid copies.You’re ugly but you’ve got some hair, maybe use it to cover your face…?
“My toddler cut it for me”
 
 

Hey supermodel

 
Ironically the ‘Alt text’ suggestion for images in WordPress is “eg Mona Lisa”

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

No news is good news

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Today I organised my OCDs in aphabetical order, then into chronological order, then by genre, before finally categoring them by their HEX colour reference to create my own perfect rainbow.

Then I took a picture to put on my blog.

Next, I folded and pressed my manic obsessions neatly, using an old flower press. I stuck them into an old scrapbook and took some more pointless and dull photographs for my blog.

Then I dusted cobwebs from the carrier bag drawer and scrunched the bags into sausages..

Then I took another 15 pictures to put on my blog.

Fucking hell, I am utterly fascinating.

I should write a blog.

French in a wig

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Wiggy wig wig

Toupé trouble on the top

If you’re gonna wear a toupé….. you should probably consider matching your actual hair to the actual toupé.

If you do manage to locate a good colour match for your nylon dream weave, you should check that the back has not become a tangled mat with a clear Visible Hair Line (VHL)…. this is like the VPL that us ladies are so particular about.

Anyway Michéle,  what does it matter you’re probably a shit hot skiier and I expect you mated lots of tourists in the 80s.

Man baby.

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Today I was trapped behind, what I can only describe as a man baby, driving a giant babies cot.

This man, or human egg with a bit of hair, was driving so badly as I approached, I wondered what was wrong?

The problem appeared to be with his rear window. The frantic swinging of 30 dangly furry football t-shirt wearing lions were obviously distracting him. Like a baby in a cot, gazing at it’s animal zoo mobile.

Man baby car window mascot

Stupid is as stupid says

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I know they are the most delicious dogs in the world…. but I wasn’t expecting to be chased down the road with; 

 ”oooooooh…. eeeeeehhh…. ahhhhhh….awwwwwwwwww it’s a sausage dog, can I say hello?” 

You could be mistaken for thinking I was parading around town with two miniature unicorns.

I was swooped upon by a horse-woman bastard child of Mrs Doubtfire and Anne Robinson.

“Ahhhhh Dachshunds. Are they miniatures? No, they can’t be. I had miniatures, they were half the size. Those must be standards.”

Errr, no, they are both miniatures. (Wilhelm is at the smaller end of the spectrum, Wolfgang is much ‘sturdier’ but still a very typical sized mini).

“No, mine were half the size, smaller than half the size actually. THOSE are definitely standards.”

You idiot woman. If you had a dog less than half the size of Wilhelm it would be called a Guinea Pig. (I didn’t say that but I thought it as loudly as I could).

Not much tops ”My dog calls that a snack… HA HA HA HA”,  (then bellowing with laughter at their own magnificent wit).