Parakitamol's Blog

Balderdash and Claptrap

Marks and Spencer in Health and Saftey fork off

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One unusually tropical Saturday last August in Edinburgh we decided upon an impromptu picnic. We gathered a basket of Marks & Spencer’s snack items; bread, cheese, salmon, fruit salad, strawberries and cream etc. and headed to the checkout.  
We asked the whereabouts of flimsy picnic plastic cutlery to assist us in the task of cutting, spreading and consuming the items in a sensible and polite manner.

“No” declares the be-aproned trunk of a woman. “We have no spoons left and we’re no longer allowed to offer our plastic knifes”….. “for health and safety reasons”We enquired if someone had ever been scratched, hurt, even KILLED by one of their teeny-weeny flimsy plasticy knives which have been known to bend and snap upon the spreading of butter upon bread….. but they didn’t know… they had heard that, once, a child flicked a grape at another using the knife as a catapault mechanism…. but no actual deaths….  

So we cut with a fork, spread with a fork, and ate everything with a fork. Even the yoghurt (I like a challenge). I may even try their soup range for our next picnic. How utterly absurd.Has anyone heard of a M&S miniature plasticy knife death?… or did the Health and Safety officer at M&S just run out of things to risk assess?I will be contacting M&S over this absurdity…. sending them a message via the medium of  ‘contemporary art sculpture’.

I am at this moment collecting vast quantities of plastic cutlery in order to fashioning an exceptionally large phallus. 

Crafting penile sculptures, is not time-wasted for me. Like this but a different shape…

Claude Maurice - Turkey


I’ll make sure they get the point, literally and metaphorically by using a recommended courier recorded delivery service and attaching a little note.Perhaps a poem:  

Dear Marks & Sparks
Ordinarily, I would offer you top marks
I like to eat your snacks alfresco
I don’t like the range offered in Tesco
Except that now, I have suffered strife
Trying to cut without a knife
You made me look like a dork
Eating yoghurt and cutting bread with just a flimsy fork
Please don’t be a health and safety spastic
It’s only a thing made of plastic
It can’t kill a man
Like salmonella can

Tied on with a bit of ribbon like Paddington Bear?  

A friend did suggest my rhyme was rather abrupt. But why mince words? (note the food pun? heh)…. he suggested a little Haiku – so I tried that
Little Butterfly Spoon
Won’t cut cheese like the Moon
Winter is coming

For pity’s sake, get a grip… NO haiku.This is just the start in my war on Health and Safety   


Author: parakitamol

Irrelevant. Not a lover or a fighter. I run with scissors. Boil me the bag but thaw before freezing. Last fuel for 134 miles. Liar. Sometimes funny. I don't suffer fools. My words are for my amusement. If you read them great, if you enjoy them, even better..... If you don't like them at all... then you've made my life complete.

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