“No” declares the be-aproned trunk of a woman. “We have no spoons left and we’re no longer allowed to offer our plastic knifes”….. “for health and safety reasons”We enquired if someone had ever been scratched, hurt, even KILLED by one of their teeny-weeny flimsy plasticy knives which have been known to bend and snap upon the spreading of butter upon bread….. but they didn’t know… they had heard that, once, a child flicked a grape at another using the knife as a catapault mechanism…. but no actual deaths….
So we cut with a fork, spread with a fork, and ate everything with a fork. Even the yoghurt (I like a challenge). I may even try their soup range for our next picnic. How utterly absurd.Has anyone heard of a M&S miniature plasticy knife death?… or did the Health and Safety officer at M&S just run out of things to risk assess?I will be contacting M&S over this absurdity…. sending them a message via the medium of ‘contemporary art sculpture’.
I am at this moment collecting vast quantities of plastic cutlery in order to fashioning an exceptionally large phallus.
I’ll make sure they get the point, literally and metaphorically by using a recommended courier recorded delivery service and attaching a little note.Perhaps a poem:
Dear Marks & Sparks
Ordinarily, I would offer you top marks
I like to eat your snacks alfresco
I don’t like the range offered in Tesco
Except that now, I have suffered strife
Trying to cut without a knife
You made me look like a dork
Eating yoghurt and cutting bread with just a flimsy fork
Please don’t be a health and safety spastic
It’s only a thing made of plastic
It can’t kill a man
Like salmonella can
Tied on with a bit of ribbon like Paddington Bear?
Won’t cut cheese like the Moon
Winter is coming
For pity’s sake, get a grip… NO haiku.This is just the start in my war on Health and Safety